adamisdepressed

The drama, detention, suspension of disbelief
The constant attention offers you no relief
Your pain is not special, sentence is soaked in deceit
It's inconsequential and you sing so sweetly

We all hurt the same
Convince them completely
The fires you light rise straight to the heavens

She said to me
Darling well please don't be so naive
You could burn like a constellation
But don't go before I leave

'naive' by the jealous sound

ok so i am sitting at work when this mother duck and a troop of little ducks go running by... i figure they will find their way to water or get out of here so i don't really think much of it after the initial 'AWWW' moment...

20 minutes later they come marching by again... then again 15 minutes after that... they are a bit lost and so i run outside and attempt to huddle them into a corner while i am calling animal control to see what i/they can do... they inform me that the ducks have a holding pond close to the mall that they live in and that b/c of that they aren't responsible and basically don't care what happens to them...

i then try explaining to the ducks where their pond is and give them some bread (ducks like bread right?)... i haven't seen them since but i hope they found their way out...

the end

I realize that we have had different experiences so therefore I will not know the things you know and vice versa.... But don't talk to me and tell me you've seen what I have but I have no clue about you... I am sorry that you feel as if you are ahead of the game... and even more sorry b/c you are probably right... but I can only see things from where I am today and I am actually apologetic that we can't see eye to eye on this...

I remember when I knew everything... I think it comes in cycles... First you know nothing and you slowly build up into knowing everything (it takes years)... and once you feel as if you know everything things stop making any sense and you go back to square one... or at least I have a couple times thus far in my life

Perfection to me (in any kind of relationship... friendship or other) will always be seeing people as they are... with their mistakes and with no blinders on... Perfection is in acceptance and compatibility... Disagree if you'd like but I thing my ideal and my perfection is with someone that I can be me around and that they will be themselves around me and that when we do disagree we can work through it all... But any idea I've ever had of the perfect person was shot down when I realized my parents were human...

Gender issues/labels/whatever.... people are people... yes.... I realize that there are exceptions to each rule but if you are a girl you are a girl... if you are a boy you are a boy... there are times when a girl is a boy and a boy is a girl but these are not the norm (and don't give me what is normal blah blah blah this is just to make things easy)... some boys like girls... some like boys... some girls like boys... some like girls... and still some like both.... for the most part (and easiest) people are filed into one of three categories: straight, gay, or bi... people are labels... i am sorry that this offends you... i am a boy (that is a label) i like girls so i would say i am straight... i take no offense to anyone ever calling me a straight boy... hell i don't even care if you did call me gay or anything else b/c i know what i am and i am comfortable with it... i've made out with more boys than a lot of girls that i know and i still am straight... i still think there needs to be a term for straight boys that love gay boys... girls are hags... no fair

Criticizing is judging... if you critique someone or point out something then you are judging it... you may not be saying it is bad/good or thinking about it in that context but you are observing it and voicing something about what you observed... when i say things about how certain things make me sad about certain people (ie alcohol, life choices, and such) i am not judging them in any other way than you are when you are observing it and just criticizing it aloud... i am not doing anything different than you are when you point out how someone is walking and such... i am just saying there is this thing that exists that causes me to be sad... and the only reason it would ever even cause me to be sad was b/c it was someone who i cared about... if you are outside of that then i could give two shits...

openmindedness... BAH... when i say my world is all encompassing i am not saying that i am limited to my views but just that my world takes on more views daily... my world absorbs what is around it... takes in and just runs with it... my world is ever expanding... it has no limits... i have no limits... i may not understand things but i do take them in and try to absorb them as i can... you may have already experienced all i have and may know the next step but please don't tell me b/c like any good movie it will just ruin the ending... my world is my own science experiment...

there is much more but i am getting tired and i am sure you are too if you've read all of this... i am hoping it makes sense... it all stems from a couple conversations with someone that i find to be absolutely amazing... but there are some things we agree on a whole lot and others we disagree about so much that the conversation was killed prematurely...

Said I'd get there when I do

The reason I will not be going out to the wave for awhile (or often anymore)

Act 1 Scene 1

Characters:
Me
Stereotypical Person In There (SPIT for short)
Friend of Spit

I get there at the normal 11 o clock time... crowd is set... people are everywhere

Spit runs up and gives me an unsuspecting hug

Spit: How're you... I haven't seen you in awhile
Me: oh hi *thinking to myself that I really don't know this person*
Spit: You look good tonight blah blah blah meaningless small talk
Me: thanks blah blah blah more nothingness
Spit: We should hang out sometime blah blah blah
Me: ok *thinking to myself that this person seems mostly harmless and new friends are awesome*

Spit and I exchange numbers and separate

Spit to friend: That kid is a fucking weirdo.... blah blah blah other bad things
Friend: uh ok *agrees w/out thinking b/c people there seem to be ants*



This kind of behavior is pattern for this place... I haven't figured out exactly why, but the few good people there just don't seem to outweigh the tons of shitty people at the moment so I'd rather just avoid it all together...

There are 3 things people can do that will just totally eliminate me from their presence...
1 Lying to me (I'd rather just have you be honest with me)
2 Standing me up (Don't say you will if you won't)
3 Being two faced (see #1... Don't be nice to me if you don't like me... hell don't even be civil b/c I'd rather have you spit on me than deceive me)

I know me bitching about it is just playing into the whole highschool mentality but don't worry I won't be there for awhile so I won't feel like school just let out...

That's a bit too invasive at the moment... Who do you think you are?

the curtain's a sea anemone
in the way it sways
to the slow breeze
I lie spread out on the floor
looking at these things
and most of them are yours
and it's so nice
sitting very still
without those old shoes
I could never fill
starfish with its arms out in a daze
staring at the stars
through an ocean haze
was I one you wished upon?
burned out like a lightbulb
when you turned me on
and it's so nice
sleeping here all alone
with my ashtray and
white courtesy telephone
now I'm making out the shapes
like the shower rod - can it take my weight?
I will tell you I am fine
I got some news, friend, feels like I'm dying
turtle on its back in the desert sea
and you look like a cool drink
just slightly out of reach
draw myself into the shell
waiting on a sign from god
or a nod from hell
and it's so nice
sitting very still
without those old shoes
I could never fill
no we're turning on the lights
it's the first day of my second life
take my name off of the lease
you can even keep the name it never suited me

So tonight I saw the movie robots and loved it...

blah blah blah crying is for pansies... it made me tear up haha

i am a dork... i can't wait to put together legos... i loved the vagina monologues (second time ive seen them)... i am enjoying having company from out of state and can't wait til this weekend for more... i am stoked that my store is moving soon and can't wait to get out of hilltop... i have been enjoying myself as of late... good times

that's right no bitching...

Dig if u will the picture
Of u and I engaged in a kiss
The sweat of your body covers me
Can u my darling
Can u picture this?

haha

yay for goofy moods and prince

You're in my house.
You're in my clothes.
No one knows.
You're in my head like a dumb song.
It just goes.
You're on my face,
you're on my lips.
And it shows.
I should be happy and I am.
I want you close to me.
You're like a simile,
like,
totally.
You're like a metaphor for something else.
You're like the ocean floor,
vast and cool.
You're like a swimming pool.
But not as blue,
and I fell in.
So take my hand,
swim around.
Kiss me hard,
until I drown.
I wanna be your shirt.
I can hug you while you work.
I wanna be your wife.
You can beat me every night.


don't mind me while i speak in songs...

jawbreaker rules...

I wish at times I could live by this song... not like it'll ever happen...

well i'm reckless and free
now you can't hurt me
my heart is not meant to be tamed
and your beauty and charms
can't do me no harm
so just stop looking at me that way

well it's plain to see
you're a dangerous thing
with those hips, those lips, and those eyes
and it's lucky for me
that i like being free
or i might try and make you mine

now i might give in to kiss you
but don't plan on me staying long

....

Why can't ho's be bro's?

I think I think too much

Good Morning...

So tell me why the other day someone tried to say I looked like a straight edge version of Darby Crash (minus the whole speech impediment thing)... I laughed and was like "Umm NO"

I guess that is better than the day after the grammy's (or whatever awards ceremony they were on) I had 8 people tell me I looked like Billy Joe... once again "umm NO"

What is people's fascination with always trying to compare you to someone that they want you to look like??

So the life situation is on the ups and I feel badly for the poor suckers who have to be around me... I am a bubbly bastard at the worst of times and now that I am in better spirits expect only more of the same but to some exponential degree...

Also I decided that since my car is a piece to begin with that I need to cover it with stickers so if you have any that are good ones feel free to pass them along... The plan is to have more money in stickers on the car than I actually paid for the car... Yeah I've got class

What do you do when you have 101 people bidding for your time and trying to get close to you but only one that you really want to be with and feel like you can't see enough of? I guess that is the way that life works... Constantly pulled in every which way but the way you truly want to go... When things start moving in the direction you like there must be a crashing halt somewhere down the road or maybe just a wrench in the gears...

Yay for toys, monologues, and concerts...

Boo on drama, living situations, and falling asleep during movies (although it is adorable)...

ok so let's flip EVERYTHING for a second

my ex is being super nice to me and we are friends now... we are too different to have dated and we both know this... but she is an amazing person and i am happy that she and i can be friends again

this girl that totally made me feel like shit awhile ago is friends with me again and being nice to me (in a strictly platonic nature of course)...

AND the funny part is the girl who i thought was going to be a girlfriend told me that i was (and i quote) "the most self absorbed manipulative asshole" that she had ever met... Although things ended sourly awhile ago she decided to tell me that well after the fact just to rub it in a bit...

For the first time in a long time I felt as if i was in highschool... People had nothing better to do than make shit up about me... Since all of her friends didn't like me the propaganda wagon was in full effect... and the only reason I bring this all up is b/c last night I saw her with her new boy... old boy... whatever...

I want to clear the air here since you care so much as to read about it anyway... Drama follows me around like an obnoxious love struck kid with down syndrome...

If you have nothing better to do than make shit up about someone you don't know then you should have killed yourself upon graduating from highschool... I am sick of people assuming shit...

I know i have not always been the best person in the past... I realize that I have fucked up... and I also realize that for some reason people think my past will directly affect my future so I guess I am never to be trusted...?

I have learned from previous mistakes and continue to make some of the others that have plagued me for some time now... but I guess in this rant I will just explain who I am and about me in certain aspects... Believe it or not but this is me right now:

1 I only touch one person at a time... there is no overlap and if i like you then i like you and that is pretty much it... Anything aside from this causes drama and that is something i do not need or look for in my life at the moment... ALSO for the record right now i am not touching anyone so anything you hear is total bullshit

2 I DO NOT LIE... i sometimes have imaginative ways of saying things that people can misread BUT i say what i mean and i am sorry if you hear it differently than how i meant it

3 I get along better with girls than with guys... I realize this is a cop out and most people have excuses as to why they get along with the opposite sex OR the same sex better and it is really all a matter of who you feel more comfortable around... I think girls listen better but it may just be b/c i have a hard time saying a lot of things to guys... who knows but just b/c i am hanging out with a girl doesn't mean anything is happening and if you deduce such nonsense and start telling others and i find out then i will break your legs... I am sick of feeling like i am under constant watch here... I have female friends and if you don't like it then eat a dick

4 I give everyone my trust... when you fuck up you are gone most of the time but i do often give second chances as long as it wasn't a HUGE fuck up... I have no barriers and i am pretty much an open book... I hate people that use other people and i try to never give off the impression that i am using anyone and if it ever feels as if you are using me you are gone...

5 I like most people, kids, animals, and such... I am pretty happy most of the time except lately and ive been kind of depressed for the last 6 months or so... I am almost over it and even when i am depressed i am seemingly more upbeat and happy than most people so when i snap out of this i feel sorry for whoever is around me

ok there is more i am sure but you get the idea... this is me... if you want to know anything just fucking ask... if you have any problems either bring it to my attention or fuck off... either way i am done with this highschool shit

thanks for reading and if you have any comments go ahead and leave them

Well im a sucker for some pretty eyes but they're going home with some other boy tonight
hell, i guess i'll be fine cause there's one girl that's all mine
she's seen it before
she'll see it again
cause that other girls going home with him
and come back to her and she don't mind
she's my best girl
she's got six strings and she knows all about these heart breakin things
no her might eyes might not shine, she's always by my side
hell, she's all mine for all night
she's my best girl by far
shes all mine for all night
and she'll never break my heart
she don't care if i come home late
or if i don't come home ater seven long days
she knows that i'm hers and she knows to wait
she knows those other girls just won't last
she knows i'll always come on back.. to her
she's all that i've got
she's my best gril
she's got six strings and she knows all about these heart breakin things and no her eyes might not shine
shehe 's always by my side
hell she's all mine for all night
she's my best girl by far
she's all mine for all night
the only girl a boy can trust is his guitar
she's my best girl
she's got six strings and she knows all about these heart breakin things and no her eyes might not shine
she's always by my side
no her eyes might not shine, but atleast shes all mine

ok well I don't have a guitar, but I do have a dog... Although he isn't a girl he is all I need... This song makes me happy...

For some reason or another I can't quite seem to shake today... I don't know about you, but when I was little I was taught that marriage was forever and all other sorts of ridiculousness... Although I don't see it possible to really care less about my ex wife today is the 4 year anniversary of my failed marriage... the anti anniversary if you will...

Once again just stating the obvious that it has nothing to do with anyone else and more to do with the fact that today just makes me feel as if I failed miserably at something of some importance... And to top it off since I failed so miserably at it my entire childhood outlook on it either has to be discarded OR I have to feel absolutely miserable about it...

While I am sick of feeling sorry for myself and am not looking for anyone's sympathy I just can't help but to just want someone to give me a huge hug and tell me that everything will be ok...

if it wasn't for my dog i don't think i'd be alive at the moment

things have hit a new all time low

i'd normally vent more and go on some self loathing pity kick but i'm spent

I must have sounded pretty pathetic I know... that's why I don't blame her for what she said... but listen to me rambling.......

ok smoking popes moment ... well not really b/c I am really not pining away over a girl and/or talking to one but that's ok for now.....

So here I sit... wearing tight pants... that's right ME in tight pants... who would have guessed...AT LEAST they aren't girl jeans

So my life feels like it is all coming to a head... I am getting older soon and with each passing day I miss things that never were and wonder what will happen tomorrow... I get to see my favorite band twice in one month (yay me), I've made a couple new friends recently (b/c I rule), and I am attempting to be happy being single (well 2 out of 3 positives aren't bad eh?)

Everyone feels Everyone feels like Sammy Davis... and not even old blue eyes can save us

ok so I am still listening to the smoking popes...

Why did these guys have to break up like 3 days before they made it to cleveland back in '98 (or maybe it was '99)... I was supposed to see them with Paul... Josh just had to go and find god and then break up my favorite band of the moment... What a dick right?

Tonight once again is 80s night... so that means I will NOT be drinking and dancing...

Well I hope you have as much fun as I do tonight... Behave and don't do anything I wouldn't

so i was reading my book a couple nights ago and i came across this selection that i felt accurately described me and my current relationship...

it starts off talking about how his father wasn't there for him b/c of this that or the other... then it leads into how his mother wasn't there for him either b/c of her own personal problems... talking about how he grew up feeling invisible (tell me about it eh?)

but then the part that really hit me...

"Jena- the first time I met Jena, she laughed at everything I said and she looked at me like I was her hero. It was just what I needed.

Jena wanted admiration back from me, plus financial security, plus something else I could never quite put my finger on. Something she needed to feel happy. Over the years I'd come to devote more and more of my energy to her, always trying to make Jena happy and, when it didn't work trying harder to try. I wasn't doing it out of any basic goodness or generosity of spirit- in fact, I'd come to resent Jena's demands, to despise how quick she was to throw out everything and lapse into depression. But pleasing Jena had become the only game in town. My only path to love and approval. And the more I needed her, the less she needed to give"

I think that's my relationship or was my relationship... After talking to the girlfriend this morning I find out that she is working on her new plan for life... A plan that has her being alone and also not in a very close proximity to where we are currently living... These 2 things along with her telling me that I am not the person she wants/needs in her life right now lead me to believe that it has finally hit the wall...

So there's this song that I think accurately describes what I am feeling...

She said she was going home
I said I'll be fine by myself
I thought that she wanted me
But she was thinking something else

Now the sun was coming up
Still I couldn't see exactly how she felt
I thought that she wanted me
But she was thinking something else

It don't take much to see inside my heart
I was never any good at telling lies
And it don't take too much to see there ain't too much of me
Here behind these eyes

I miss you when you're gone
Please don't stay gone too long

BUT before i go on and on about my relationship being a mess i'd much rather talk about this super sweet middle aged spanish lady that gave me a ride home tonight... So I walk home from work... walk walk walking... stop off at the grocery store for some milk and cookies (no lie)... start walking home from there and this SUV pulls up next to me and this lady with an adorably thick accent tells me to get in... I am not one for jumping into the car with strangers but she just seemed really nice and sincere... So she takes me home and tells me about how she came to this country when she was 10 or so and raised her kids here... we talked for about 10 minutes and then i hopped out and came inside... it was almost surreal

So i think i have my relationship mess all figured out... there are many ways it could still end up but I have it down to this... I love my girlfriend... I care about her more than I have ever cared for anyone in my life and would do anything for her that i possibly could... BUT she doesnt really know what she wants... from me or from a relationship or from her next 3 months... I am setting up a show in October and when I asked if we could go together (6 weeks away) her response was that she didnt know where she would be then)... Not ever experiencing drugs myself I would compare this to what I believe addiction to feel like... So there's this thing that I really like but it always makes me feel like shit in the end... So I just keep it around and keep feeling like shit... I love it... I feel horribly... I want it to feel like it did once... I still feel horribly... the cycle continues..

It is kind of sad when you get more positive attention from people you don't know than the people you care about more than you should... If things don't change then I will be changing myself... I need someone to build me up not to bring me down and I just need someone who isn't going to get so down on me when I am just trying to make the situation right. I know I mess up too but I can't give any more to this relationship with out getting at least a little something back... I guess that is it for my relationship rant of the night...

So I've made a couple friends... went to the movies again tonight... been doing things and trying to keep myself busy (aside from work)... I am normally not this depressed over emotional ball of yuck... But when I am not being overly dramatic and depressed about my love life I really have no reason to write in a journal... So the rest of my life is doing well I guess so if you are reading this you only get the worst... Yay for places to vent

Ok family catastrophe wakes us up... Girlfriend has to rush off... Can't go back to bed.. Revelations occur.......

I think the main reason for the shameless self deprication / lack of self esteem / personal problems with things (not quite going into the relationship problems quite yet) is this: When you find someone who you see as being almost perfect that when they suddenly dont seem perfect anymore it must be you that is wrong and/or doing something wrong... I know that isn't healthy but I am always questioning myself when I get into a fight with the girlfriend b/c of the way I see her then I just logically deduce that it must be my fault... It isn't just me (she helps me along with thinking this of course)

ok i just reread this... it makes no sense

this is me going to bed...

So you remember when I said things were feeling better (well you should b/c that was yesterday)... So I lied... Things felt better yesterday morning... Hell things felt better most of yesterday in general... Last night on the other had was a different story.

I think the main problem I have with this relationship is the way that all of the problems seem to be ones that I have made... Even when I am the one that is upset I screw up and make her mad too... Every argument that we've ever had stems from me miswording something, doing something wrong, or just generally fucking up... When I say something it is always unclear (in adamland it comes out eloquently spoken and perfectly understandable yet in girl-speak things come across as me saying them the wrong way and in turn make me feel like less than adequate)... End result: one of us will get upset which leads to me trying to make the situation better, but seemingly fucking that part up too... And then into just general chaos in relationshipville...

Well I still haven't hung out with anyone... Still am in a relationship but wishing that things in general were just going better with it... Still wishing that I could have one conversation with the girl (just one) with out feeling retarded and with out her being mad at me in the end...

The take offs are the easy part it is the landings that I just haven't mastered yet...

Ok Ok Ok so I've been listening to Neutral Milk Hotel a little bit too much lately and it seems as if depressing and/or mellow music always seems to put me in a better mood... It gives me the perspective of "Oh it's a good thing I'm not that guy" and when looking at things through my happy tinted glasses I always seem to see things a little better...

The girl situation is slowly righting itself (or at least I hope so)... Her and I never seem to see eye to eye on anything, but there are times when it just seems there is way more good than bad (and vice versa).

The friend situation seems to be improving (when I explained to a couple guys that I have no friends and that my personal life sucks they quickly attempted to adopt me) and also I have met some really interesting/nice people over the last couple of days.

As always thanks for listening...